Inspired by, and dedicated to....
Pittsburgh Attorneys,

Fred E Baxter
and
Dennis A Watson

(they epitomize the very essence of these jokes)

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: No? Good!

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What do lawyers use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: Have you heard about the lawyers? word processor?
A: No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

Q: When lawyers die, why don't vultures them?
A: Even a vulture has taste.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
A: Lawyers accumulate frequent flyer points.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of pond scum?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetary.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?
A: You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

Q: What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?
A: At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

Q: Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?
A: An ambulance stopped suddenly.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

Q: What do lawyers do after they die?
A: They lie still.

Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because they?re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.

Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you can?t understand a word of it.

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.

Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q: What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

Q: What's the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.

Q: What's the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system.

Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.

Q: What's the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn't think he's an attorney.

Q: When attorneys die, why do they bury them 600 feet underground?
A: Because deep down, they're really nice guys.

Q: If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first?
A: Who cares?

Q: How can you tell the difference between a dead skunk and a dead attorney on the road?
A: The vultures aren't gagging over the skunk.

Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One; the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in wet cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.

Q: What's the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer's don't think they're funny, and no one else thinks they're jokes.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.

Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.

Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.

Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.

Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.

Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers

Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

Q: What?s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.


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