ATTORNEY HUNTING LAW
(wEST vIEW KSS MI ES
15229-RT-19-1)
WHEREAS, the people of the Borough of wEST vIEW, through
their elected officials, have determined that there are
superfluous numbers of attorneys within wEST
vIEW Borough and,
WHEREAS, the people of the Borough of wEST vIEW,
through their elected officials, have determined that the
optimal number of attorneys is one attorney per one square
mile, it is hereby and hereinafter,
ORDERED, that there shall be established a hunting
season for attorneys in the Borough of wEST vIEW.
[Section 1.] Attorney hunting season is
limited to the following season: January 2 through December
30 of all odd and even numbered years.
[Section 2.] Any person with a state issued
ID card or, drivers license, AAA card, AARP card, CVS card,
Giant Eagle card, Shop 'n Save card, Costco or Sam's Club
card or any credit/gas/phone card may hunt
attorneys.
[Section 3.] The bag limit is two (2)
attorneys per day, limited to hunting season only (see
Section 1., above);
[3.(a)] Exceptions: 8i. 8j. 8k. 8l. below--No
Limits; Violation of this Section 3., shall result in loss
of attorney hunting license for 48 hours between December 30
and January 2 of all odd and even years.
[Section 4.] Baiting or churning of attorneys
with US currency is strictly prohibited in the interest of
public safety. Violation of this Section will cause for
revocation of hunting license pursuant to Section 3.(a),
above.
[Section 5.] Unlawful hunting practices are
defined as follows: It shall be considered illegal for a
lawyer hunter to disguise oneself as an inept police chief,
lying school crossing guard, former blind fire or police
chief, council member, politician, accident victim, sheep,
bookie, drug dealer, prostitute, gay bar owner, pedophile,
reporter, accountant, paralegal (inclusive of law clerk,
legal assistant), or pimp.
[Section 6.] It is unlawful to hunt lawyers
within 300 yards of a courthouse, statehouse, whorehouse,
crack house, law library, gay bar, ambulance, hospital,
yuppie bar, massage parlor, police station on main highway,
or Water Authority.
[Section 7.] It is unlawful to hunt lawyers
within 200 yards of a CADILLAC, CROWN VICTORIA, BMW, LEXIS, ACURA, MERCEDES,
SATURN or JAGUAR dealership.
[Section 8.] Following are special
incentives, bounties, for hunting certain types of lawyers,
proof of claim must be submitted pursuant to
[Section 26 (a) - (d)]:
[8.a.] 5.00 New lawyer, too common, just
aren't worth much.
[8.b.] 50.00 Two faced liar, very common,
easy to find.
[8.c.] 75.00 Lazy liar, similar to
[8.b]
[8.d.] 100,000.00 Divorce lawyer, similar to
[8.c]
[8.e.] 250,000.00 Family Law Practice Member
or Associate.
[8.f.] 300.00 PI lawyer
[8.g.] -500.00 Bankruptcy lawyer, needed
post-divorce.
[8.h.] 1.00 Elected official-lawyer
(Democrat)
[8.i.] 750,000.00 Appointed lawyers for
certain school districts in northern Allegheny
County.
[8.j.] 750,000.00 Appointed Borough
Solicitor
[8.k.] 750,000.00 Appointed Zoning Board
Chairman
[8.l.] 750,000.00 Appointed lawyer for a water
authority
[8.m.] EXEMPT Honest lawyer, extinct
species
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