Inspired by, and dedicated to....
Pittsburgh Attorneys,

Fred E Baxter
and
Dennis A Watson
(they epitomize the need for this concept)

 

ATTORNEY HUNTING LAW

(wEST vIEW KSS MI ES 15229-RT-19-1)


WHEREAS, the people of the Borough of wEST vIEW, through their elected officials, have determined that there are superfluous numbers of attorneys within wEST vIEW Borough and,

WHEREAS, the people of the Borough of wEST vIEW, through their elected officials, have determined that the optimal number of attorneys is one attorney per one square mile, it is hereby and hereinafter,

ORDERED, that there shall be established a hunting season for attorneys in the Borough of wEST vIEW.

[Section 1.] Attorney hunting season is limited to the following season: January 2 through December 30 of all odd and even numbered years.

[Section 2.] Any person with a state issued ID card or, drivers license, AAA card, AARP card, CVS card, Giant Eagle card, Shop 'n Save card, Costco or Sam's Club card or any credit/gas/phone card may hunt attorneys.

[Section 3.] The bag limit is two (2) attorneys per day, limited to hunting season only (see Section 1., above);

[3.(a)] Exceptions: 8i. 8j. 8k. 8l. below--No Limits; Violation of this Section 3., shall result in loss of attorney hunting license for 48 hours between December 30 and January 2 of all odd and even years.

[Section 4.] Baiting or churning of attorneys with US currency is strictly prohibited in the interest of public safety. Violation of this Section will cause for revocation of hunting license pursuant to Section 3.(a), above.

[Section 5.] Unlawful hunting practices are defined as follows: It shall be considered illegal for a lawyer hunter to disguise oneself as an inept police chief, lying school crossing guard, former blind fire or police chief, council member, politician, accident victim, sheep, bookie, drug dealer, prostitute, gay bar owner, pedophile, reporter, accountant, paralegal (inclusive of law clerk, legal assistant), or pimp.

[Section 6.] It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within 300 yards of a courthouse, statehouse, whorehouse, crack house, law library, gay bar, ambulance, hospital, yuppie bar, massage parlor, police station on main highway, or Water Authority.

[Section 7.] It is unlawful to hunt lawyers within 200 yards of a CADILLAC, CROWN VICTORIA, BMW, LEXIS, ACURA, MERCEDES, SATURN or JAGUAR dealership.

[Section 8.] Following are special incentives, bounties, for hunting certain types of lawyers, proof of claim must be submitted pursuant to

[Section 26 (a) - (d)]:

[8.a.] 5.00 New lawyer, too common, just aren't worth much.

[8.b.] 50.00 Two faced liar, very common, easy to find.

[8.c.] 75.00 Lazy liar, similar to [8.b]

[8.d.] 100,000.00 Divorce lawyer, similar to [8.c]

[8.e.] 250,000.00 Family Law Practice Member or Associate.

[8.f.] 300.00 PI lawyer

[8.g.] -500.00 Bankruptcy lawyer, needed post-divorce.

[8.h.] 1.00 Elected official-lawyer (Democrat)

[8.i.] 750,000.00 Appointed lawyers for certain school districts in northern Allegheny County.

[8.j.] 750,000.00 Appointed Borough Solicitor

[8.k.] 750,000.00 Appointed Zoning Board Chairman

[8.l.] 750,000.00 Appointed lawyer for a water authority

[8.m.] EXEMPT Honest lawyer, extinct species

animated-tribunal